another seven sixes make it two!

hellooo! am back from the ward again, 4 hours earlier today, because i have an essay to finish! hahaha the doctors were all baffled at my attendance today lmao.

got my final mini cex and dops signed off by one of the most unlikely people - i wouldnt have even thought of approaching him at the beginning of the block; might have even slightly actively avoid him but he is such a nice person! heheheheheh.

strangely enough, i don't really recall doing anything today -_- all i remember is the fy1 telling me that the my clerking of the patient with RAPD yesterday was "beautiful" and he wanted to give it back to me as a souvenir HAHAHAAH (we're not allowed to do clerkings on clerk-in sheets and have to use continuation sheets, which i am actually secretly happy about because i tend to write too much for the boxes in the clerk-in documents... and i can leave out parts surreptitiously and not look like i'm totally incompetent HAHAHAAH)

started the day magnificently - as i was just literally entering the ward feeling slightly guilty for missing the post-take ward round the reg on call stopped me and told me that they were going to do a joint aspiration if i wanted to watch... also saw the fundi of a patient with benign intracranial hypertension and newly diagnosed diabetes! also went down to the a&e to talk to a patient with a mixed overdose of methadone and valium... oh and also clerked in a patient with an upper gi bleed... also some mini tutorials on ascites and serum-ascites albumin gradients which i was offered a CBD for but i don't need to do one.. pity. lol.

(oh yes. the reg also asked me if i needed any more mini-cexes and i said no because i already had one from dr cw. he then asked me if i got good remarks on it, because if not i could get another one and be "selective" about which ones i handed up.. hahahaha. dammit should've gotten more :P)

ok i sound like a total workaholic now -_- which is not a bad thing actually, it's just the thing i've been needing very badly for some time - an opportunity for the mind to be put to good use instead of being allowed to fester in the filth of doubt and paranoia and depression. everything is perfect. :)

was referred to as a "house officer.....ish person" today by the reg as well! hahahah but no biggie, that's what we 5th years are anyway. lol i love the reg that's on call. i think that all the regs in the hospital i am in are more competent than average, and it's been an honour being able to work with them!

ooo reflection of the day: just as we were in the a&e filling up forms for the OD patient, some nursing staff were talking about a patient who had just passed away on the ward (something to do with bed transfers and stuff) and i realised at that point in time that the past 2 days have actually been filled with depressing cases of sweet lovely patients not getting better and going the wrong way, but how things on the wards have actually seemed to be all happy and jolly and stuff... and then i realised that maybe it is true, humour, no matter how crass and inappropriate, might just be the only way we can protect ourselves from being overwhelmed by "normal" human emotions...

haha ok needta go do that damned case report. g'bye!

high

hello! this is me just back from the acute receiving ward, after having spent almost 12 hours there. on a saturday.

and...

...

...

I LOVED IT :D

haha i was seriously worried about not liking medicine any more after having lost contact with it for so long, but i am very happy to be proven wrong!

i'd like to think that i had several glorious moments today, most of all accurately diagnosing a RAPD out of the blue! (the patient came in with a Hb of 7.1, had a recent fall and a PMH of polymyalgia rheumatica. she told me that she realised that she couldn't see out of her right eye immediately after the fall and so on and so forth...)

also spent a lot of time with an ex-journalist who used to work for times and who used to be a political news broadcaster on tv! he had the most beautiful veins i've seen in a very long time but i had to end up poking him 3 times before i could get a venflon in -___________________________________-

but all was good! the reg offered me a mini cex AND a dops so THAT IS MY ASSESSMENTS DONE WOOHOO.

i also had to take blood from a lady who was suffering from a chronic chest infection and she coughed unabashedly into my face repeatedly throughout the bloodtaking and when i was taking her history AND when i was doing her ecg so i think i am going to fall sick soon. -_- took two prophylactic PCM just in case...

being on the same take as the president of RCPE was so... surreal! i was presenting a patient to him and i hadn't had the time to write my stuff out and so i had no notes, and he was like "oh it's ok, you can refer to your notes" and i was like "hahah errr i haven't got any...." i must've looked like a right idiot omg -_- and i think i appeared rather starstruck while talking lmao

ok i think i should continue doing my case report even though it's already 11 pm and i have to wake up at like 7.30 am tomorrow for another take.

omg i wish i had gone for more extra weekend calls, this is the life man! lol i was just thinking to myself in the bus about how strangely comforted i was by the fact that i am going on call this weekend, i think it's a mixture of being given a chance to leave the house and knowing that this will at least not be a weekend squandered away in procrastination and pure sloth. HAHAHAHAHA.

ok gotta go, bye! :D

day 5.

i am slightly disappointed and surprised at how easy this is seeming to be.

i guess that's what you get for being a jerk most of the time.

haha.

:)

ps. judging by the force and frequency of my sneezing right now, somebody better be missing me seriously -_-

mini-cex.

first of all, i would like to say that i am not blatantly gloating - hahaha ok actually in a way i am, but that's not the point.

if you are not my sister and you are reading this and judging me for it - well i did not give you the link to this blog so you have no right to.

however, as a wise person once said, what other people think of me is none of my business, so... whatever.

hehehehehehheehhehehehe thanks dr cw. :D
(i think she could see the doubt and disbelief in my eyes for the past 2-3 weeks, because she kept saying "you're doing the right thing! you're going to be an excellent fy1, you're doing the right thing, just continue what you're doing ok!" while looking at me in genuine concern like i was going to break down and dissolve or something -_-)

(haha, she also circled '10' for the question 'how much was the assessor satisfied with the assessment?' and asked me what i wanted to circle for the equivalent question for the trainee.. i told her i'd circle '11' if i could, HAHA)

anyhoo, i am slightly regretful that the joy this sheet of paper has brought me has been slightly tainted by the fact that i have horrendous case reports to finish by tomorrow (because i am theoretically on call over BOTH DAYS of the weekend -_-) and because my plans of staying home tomorrow in lieu of my entitled half days which i planned to conveniently employ to my defense have been FOILED. utterly FOILED. was planning to go in in the late afternoon for a 1 hour tutorial but was requested to be present for a ward round in the MORNING as well. BUT ALL IS WELL, as this is the ward round that is going to be executed by the consultant i mentioned in the last post! omg i hope i don't look stupid or say anything stupid tomorrow. O_O

ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.

hahahaha other random obnoxious thoughts in my head but i think they are best left hidden. lmao.

ok i need to go get some sleep now -_- 6 hours! joy!

not.

this space should also be filled with the meaningful revelations that dawn upon the privileged medical student that has been given the honour of being in contact with inspirational and sweet and lovely patients but i am feeling much too petty for that today, thus these shallow ramblings.

why am i sounding so pretentious?! -_- i am annoyed.

anyway, time to welcome two new people to my life: R and Z. maybe the secret to people being open with you is being open to people in the first place. worked very well for Z, not so much for R so far... lol. have been reeling in slight surprise/disbelief at what i now know about Z. hmmmmmm feeling much out of my comfort zone and social circle of... 8 people. can you believe it? i only talk to 8 people, ever. -__- i need to get me a new life. and some new friends.

ok another 4 minutes less of sleep time. i should really go now, sleep is a precious commodity that is in very high demand as of late. ugh stupid case reports UGH.

ok good night! :)

i was walking home today with a spring in my step because i think i managed to make four lovely patients i have never met before smile - and another patient i talked to 2 days ago still remembered me when i went to the front of his bed to get his nursing folder, and also because the fy i was shadowing told me after i got back to the doctor's table that one of the consultants told him that i was a good medical student and that the fy was lucky to have me around! and this consultant only had real contact with me last year when i was doing my general medicine block! heehee! :))

not only that - i was on call on monday and i clerked a patient in (the same patient whose nursing folder i was getting) and i presented him to one of the regs who stepped in for the original on call reg for a while, and she was well chuffed with me! "are you going to do medicine?" (i was assuming that she meant medicine the course so i stared at her dumbly and nodded.... and then it struck me that she was referring to medicine as opposed to sugery -_-) "you know you should seriously consider doing medicine! do you want a mini-cex out of that?"

hahahaha i've always complained about the universe conspiring to throw a perpetual spanner in the works of my life - looks like this will be the first time ever that i will be thinking that the universe is going out of its way to be extra nice to me...

(thank you so much :))) )

MOREOVER (this is a word i use too often, together with "furthermore" and "in addition" - stupid case reports), i am on a "care of the elderly/rehab" ward and i thought i would be dreading it but NOOOOOOOOOOOO I LOVE IT THERE. the fy i am shadowing is such a nice guy, i think he's possibly the nicest fy1 i have ever had the pleasure of working with! "oh are you sure you want to (insert menial administrative job normal fys gladly pile onto shadowing students)? is it useful for you? just tell me if it's not because you're here to learn and not to do my jobs for me!"

(he's the first ever fy who's "got it"... "it" being the true concept of medical shadowing - i dare say the rest of the fys see medical students as job monkeys - of course most of us genuinely want to help and don't mind doing all the scut work, but it'll be nice to come into contact with an fy1 who is really concerned about our personal development and stuff... he wants to be a psychiatrist in the future, figures - all the nice people go into psych, lol)

my "jobs" today included finding out causes of xanthochromia in a patient who had no reason to be having that, talking to a patient about a pain in his hip, a few venflons and bloods. i also rewrote 3 cardexes (out of my own volition), and had lunch. HAHA -_-

this is going to sound like i'm a 5 year old, but one of the nurses said i should be given a star for filling in the PVC bundles after venfloning 2 people... hahahahaha

okay.

anyway - day 3. :)

surprise! (part ii)

what used to be a resounding "no" is now an uncertain "um, i don't know. possibly not. hopefully not. i am crossing everything that can be crossed - but... maybe...?"

wtf. hell no.

all this is just a figment of my imagination. it's just the histrionics playing up.

I ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH TO DO WITH MY LIFE AND ENOUGH TO BE CONFUSED AND BEWILDERED OVER ('bewildered' seems to be my new favourite word lol), I DON'T NEED ANY MORE BEFUDDLEMENT!

(i used to write introductory paragraphs about myself with the word 'befuddle' in them. hahahah. ok random fact.)

one is enough. two is toying with the very real idea of chaos.

ok i am going to stop writing nonsense and go to sleep now. am on call tomorrow - work will be a VERY welcome distraction - for once.

heh. 

surprise!

i know i should/ should not be saying these things now, but:

i am actually very happy for the both of you.

i am happy because deep down somewhere in my heart because i know that you, of all people, deserve the joy and happiness that you have found because you are in love. 

i am also happy because i know that you will be trying your best to do right by her, and it seems like she will be doing the same.

:)

-

anyway. on another note - i am reading random blogs by medical students and doctors and am rather enjoying myself!

hahahahaha i tell you i bet a vast majority of medical students are geeks and secretly enjoy reading medical blogs and feel smug when they relate to any medical stuff published!

ok now i'm more motivated to study. lmao.

toodles! :)

i need a haircut

the problem with knowing somebody for too long is...

well,

that.

(isn't it delicious how a few people are automatically thinking that this post is referring to them?)

remember when...

i now firmly believe that there is an asshole in everybody (yes, i will willingly admit that i am part of "everybody" as well) that is struggling to show its ugly face.

some just choose to keep their inner asshole in check, and others, well...

let's just say the asshole is all we see of some people.

heh.

-

ANYWAY. i am in the middle of writing my mid-point appraisal, where i reflect upon my learning plan which i wrote at the start of the block (like literally on the day i was supposed to discuss it -_-) and i am feeling super energised and motivated!

i think i can finally say that the bloody jetlag and holiday fever has worn off and I AM BACK IN ACTION PEOPLE! :D i was feeling so unmotivated and like i couldn't be bothered about anything for the past week (all the random crap that happened at the same time didn't help either -_-) and it was such a horrible, horrible place... i was totally being horribly mediocre (and perhaps hovering EXTREMELY closely to being below average) because there was nothing else i could be, even if i wanted to and even if i thought i was trying very hard.

BUT IT IS ALRIGHT NOW because i am starting to leave that place and i am READY to face the world! heheheheh. boy i am glad something in me snapped the night before my midpoint appraisal. lololol.

it was really quite sucky, i was dreading tutorials, and the lunchtime meetings would never end, and they were all on things i had no idea about (how many types of RTA - renal tubular acidosis, not road traffic accidents - are there? 3! what do you do when a patient is hyperkalaemic? it depends on how severely hyperK they are! how do i write a fluid chart up? how do i do a discharge script? how do i order bloods for the next day? HOW DO I MAGICALLY FIND THE CHI NUMBER OF ANY PATIENT VERY EASILY RIGHT NOW?!), but i think that i am FINALLY getting into the groove of things, and i think that i may have had an EXTREMELY wobbly start, but i will be just fine. :)

what i think also helped was when the three of us were talking about how far we've come since we entered med school... actually we were talking about how some 2nd year medical students are unable to take a proper history (HAHA).

(omg trying to do 4 things at once: blog, type up my midpoint appraisal, keep up with my kitchen in cooking mama on facebook, and check my email. HAHAH)

as i was saying, we were talking about how the 2nd year medical students on merv's ward were unable to take a history from patients even though it is now for us a very normal and straightforward thing. i then (as usual) reminisced about how we performed when we were in semester 3/4 and were doing our postings in kuala kubu baru. i still remember how we hesitated so much to approach patients, and how we used to divide the components of the history up so that each of us would take a history in that part. i think it's really cute - now i'm sure we know all seven eight components of a patient history by heart (presenting complaint, history of presenting complaint, past medical history, drug history, family history, systemic enquiry and social history). i used to remember when we had CSU back in IMU and how we would all dread history-taking sessions, especially those during which a lecturer would put us in the hot seat with a simulated patient and make us take part of a history and then give us (constructive - heh) criticism on how we did...

and how self-important we were when we thought during our rural postings that what we did actually kind of mattered... HAHA. now i understand the condescension in the voices of final year medical students when talking about having juniors around on the ward - you have to at least be a 4th year to be of ANY use, darling. LOL.

i still remember when dr lwm made us type our first ever case reports during our 2nd kkb posting - we thought we were already rather senior back then (sem 3 or 4? practically adults in imu bukit jalil, HAHA), and we were mixing up the presenting complaint and history of presenting complaint ("the presenting complaint is ONE sentence telling you why the patient is in the hospital! the history of presenting complaint is when you tell your story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!") 

i also remember how when i first came over to dundee i was still this uncertain and unconfident person who was stumbling all around patients' beds and knocking over the alcohol bottles attached to their beds when pulling curtains or taking bloods - and who could forget the time i turned beetroot red when i suddenly lost the ability to use a bloody tourniquet!? i did not have my own tourniquet then - i borrowed one from a senior - and after fiddling and fumbling with it for about 20 seconds (essentially an eternity when you're doing it in front of a patient you're supposed to be taking blood from omg), i mumbled something like "oh, i'm sorry, i have to go and ask a senior how to use this" and then promptly exited the curtained area of the patient's bed and felt unbelievably stupid while pretending to be "asking a senior" for 10 seconds before composing myself and then proceeding to take the blood...

hahaha i think i am also very weird in the sense that i think that finally getting hold of your own tourniquet is like a "rite of passage" in med school. i used to marvel at how every 5th year seemed to have their own tourniquet, and all of them were from drug companies, and thought about how i NEVER seemed to have a chance to attend these infamous and legendary and mythical drug company lunches where they gave you all sorts of free stuff INCLUDING TOURNIQUETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 i was further intrigued by the fact that NOBODY told you how to get a tourniquet, and it seemed so much like an exclusive club that i was so desperate to join! i was at one point so bloody desperate for a tourniquet that i walked around the hospital trying to look for one. i went to the phlebotomist suite and they told me that they weren't supposed to give any out to students and i was so crushed. i then got wind that the chemo unit at the oncology ward had quite a few, and i went down to the chemo day unit and THEY GAVE ME BLOODY DISPOSABLE TOURNIQUETS WTF. (i finally procured several by going to the chemo treatment unit HAHAHAHAAHAHAH! TRIUMPH AT LAST!!!!!!!!!!!!! hmm i should go back for more sometime soon heheheheh)

i remember how i first felt a calmness like i was finally being anchored down by the rock of my confidence and belief in my abilities when i was doing my GP block in fourth year. i was in every single day by 0815 and i left at around 1800 - i even went on call every monday until 2300, and was allowed to consult about 60 patients on my own. that was when i knew for the first time that i would be okay.

i started being all jumpy again when i was back on the wards. being jumpy and overly anxious has always been a weakness and it is a very big one when you are going to become a doctor. however, as of late, i find my movements more deliberate, my thoughts less flighty, and i don't bump things over anymore! i guess once you make a fool of yourself enough during OSCEs and practice sessions you will come to the conclusion that slow and steady DOES win the race - it's worse if you try to take blood quickly but not manage and have to try again, than to take the time to make sure that you are going to puncture a vein that really is the best one you can find. i now think i am learning how to just not care about people thinking that i am wasting their time by not attempt to cut corners and just doing the job properly... it's all very...

reassuring. to say the least.

haha i think i have been very incoherent because the words are coming out slower than i am thinking.

aiyah. 

a light is at the end of the tunnel, and i think i can see it. i just have to make sure i don't take my eyes off the glow. 

:)

bad day.

i can honestly tell anybody that one of the saddest things a doctor can have the misfortune of witnessing is not the patient expressing wishes of dying when everything seems to go belly up and a cure is pretty out of the question...

it is having a patient look you in the eye while struggling to speak - breathe even - because his lungs are clogged up with fluid and infection, and after being told that if he were to have an NGT tube inserted he would never be able to eat or drink anything normally ever again, and that the doctors are dehydrating him because "every bit of fluid or food we give you is going to your lungs"...

and him saying, "give me a chance."

let this day be remembered not because of all the things that have gone wrong, but because of the strength and will to live of one of the most inspiring patients i have ever met.

the world is a stage

one of my best friends told me today that i am melodramatic and that i should seriously consider a (part time?) career as a playwright.

yes, she was serious and she is actually the only person i will take seriously when it comes to things like that.

(i know right, my friends are weird and stuff, HAHA)

i know i shouldn't be blogging every day - it takes the credibility out of my writing - but i have come to notice that i have a higher thought turnover rate than most, and this results in me having mood swings of epic proportions and variability... internally of course. i am a sea of calm and composure on the outside.

HAHA.

anyway, every day is an episode of a soap opera waiting to be lived out. today's episode started off with our beloved character (ahem) suddenly receiving an act of veiled kindness by one of the cast members who were previously written off. does this hint at a return of said cast member? the audience is left wondering.

the day then progressed and our main character engages in multiple conversations in which the plot thickens with divulged secrets and gossip. the main character is then further troubled as she knows that she isn't supposed to partake in any of these evil pleasures, but she is unable to resist.

hark! another cast member waltzes into the set and confides in our main character. he is none other than an old flame of the main character, here to talk about his old flames, and of embers waiting to be fanned into bright sparks and hopefully a passionate inferno...? our dear main character listens sympathetically and interestedly - of course she would have been more engaged if this were to happen, say, about two years ago...

the episode culminates on a(n) (anti)climax. the other main character of this show, although rather begrudgingly and embarrassedly, takes centre stage alongside our main character. this soap opera has long been run according to the dynamics between these two characters. in fact, it had always been in danger of being taken over by this unwillingly important character. he is but the (current) love of her life - the frustrated heroine - oh the frustrated heroine - how her heart sinks when he once again amuses himself with her and then discards her like an unwanted toy! words have tried, and failed again and again, when she is once again faced with the reality that she is nothing more than a passing (and convenient) fancy - and that all this futility will ultimately amount to nothing... but she is stupidly willing to be degraded as a plaything - what she's willingly parting with to hear her name on his lips, to see that smile on his admittingly average face, to be an audience to his questionable sense of humour... (ok this is getting overboard -_-)

the credits roll with her sitting in front of her computer, staring at the events of cooking mama unfold on her facebook account; thinking, thinking, thinking...

HAHHA ok i dont know what i just wrote because i was being distracted by cooking mama. -_-

lessons learnt today: it is very rude to force your drama down the throats of others, trust nobody, and cooking mama on facebook is bloody addictive (and hence, evil) -_-

-

on a lighter note, is it slightly disturbing that the only things i am looking forward to tomorrow (ughhhh mondayyyy) are taking bloods off patients, filling in discharge scripts (i am currently feeling the scorn and unadulterated confusion and bewilderment of legions of medical students everywhere directed in my direction...) and even possibly making multiple trips down to the radiology department?

godohgod please spare me from the wrath of having to perform ECGs pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase! I SIMPLY CANNOT TAKE THE STRESS OF UNTANGLING THE WIRES OF THE ECG LEADS AND PLACING STICKY PADS ON THE NAKED (and sometimes really hairy - and sweaty) CHESTS OF PATIENTS AND HAVING TO PEEL THEM OFF LATER...

i am also very happy that i technically do not need to clerk any patients in until friday and saturday because technically the patients on my ward have already been clerked in... i don't know what's wrong with me - i'm supposed to LOVE talking to patients, it's my job -__________________________- i think it's just the monday blues.

BLOODS! BLOODS! BLOODS! HERE I COME!!

-_-

ok good night.

switch.

switch  (swɪtʃ)
— n
1.	a mechanical, electrical, electronic, or optical device for opening or closing a circuit or for diverting energy from one part of a circuit to another
2.	a swift and usually sudden shift or change
3.	an exchange or swap
4.	a flexible rod or twig, used esp for punishment
5.	the sharp movement or blow of such an instrument
6.	a tress of false hair used to give added length or bulk to a woman's own hairstyle
7.	the tassel-like tip of the tail of cattle and certain other animals
8.	any of various card games in which the suit is changed during play

when i was younger, i used to wonder why it took some time for a light to be turned on after the switch was flicked, and why it would turn off immediately as the switch was flicked again. i used to think that the light would flicker itself off, much like how it flickered itself on.

now that i am older and slightly wiser (i hope, haha) i know the reason behind this.

i was watching fringe and thinking (about things unrelated to the episode i was watching, and to fringe) about how the concept on switches could also be applied to human relationships. it is always much harder to turn the metaphorical light on than to turn it off.

i believe that there is a switch in every relationship between two people, and fortunately for a vast majority of us that switch will remain on once it has managed to be flicked. this is the switch that completes the circuit and bridges the gap between two separate lives. there is a switch in every relationship, even between sworn enemies - as long as you come to know somebody, there will always be a switch that is turned on, no matter how far apart from each other you are and no matter how long you have not met each other.

i cannot believe that i have never thought of things this way, but i have also now come to realise that once the existence of The Switch has been confirmed and The Switch has been located, it can also be Turned Off. i currently believe that this is one of the most cruel and heartless things one person can do to another. I have had The Switch Turned Off on me five times (by five different people), as far as i can remember, and three of the five times i couldn't care less about (lucky me), one i am still quite sad about, and

the last one turned a rather big part of me off with it - but it's alright now because they were right - time heals all wounds. :)

i digress -

most switches stay turned on because it is human nature to maintain the status quo, and it will never occur to most people to do something as drastic as to flick these switches off. this is also what gives us the knowledge and certainty in certain relationships that no matter what happens, the two people involved will still always be there for each other and their lives will inexplicably be linked for an indefinite amount of time.

however, sometimes, one just has to admit defeat and realise that some circuits are dysfunctional loops which are only capable of producing wasted energy in the form of heat...

... and that there are some switches that are best

Turned Off.



flick.

lord asriel vs dr bishop

is it me or is fringe His Dark Materials sans the religion?

double rainbow :)

a beautiful end to an otherwise (slightly) dismal week!

it's true you know, i think most of us medics are fueled by the appreciation and kindness patients so graciously show us even when we're poking them (endlessly and sometimes unsuccessfully) with needles of all sorts.

no, don't thank us, thank you. :)

this has been a rather uneventful (but busy!) first week of my medical shadowing (or "foundation apprenticeship" - as it's more formally and officially known) block, i thought i had lost all interest in general medicine until i had the honour and privilege of working alongside the coolest doctors ever, and to have met patients just as wonderful!

i could go on and on and on and on and on about the things patients and doctors said and other things suchlike - but i wouldn't want to bore you.

hahahahahaahhaahahahha

ok there is no point to this post - it's friday night and i'm bored. -_-

i shall continue reading 'confessions of an ugly stepsister' - it really is quite engaging! (i am typing all this while reading it out in my head in a british accent, not unlike the accent that the fy i am shadowing has HAHA)

(semi?) charmed life

i guess it's very easy to whinge about things always not going your way, or how the universe seems to be going out of its way to line every single thing exactly at the wrong time, and i guess it takes a whole lot more to be able to take a step back and realise that gee whiz, maybe things haven't been that bad after all.

how many people get to say that both of their parents are still together, alive and (relatively) healthy? and that they are in med school and do not need to worry about finances? and that they had the opportunity to work in one of the world's best hospital for 6 weeks, and that they have been fortunate enough to be able to visit america multiple times? and that they so happened to manage to spend another 4 weeks in a very rare subspecialty of medicine that may soon be what they are going to do for the rest of their lives? and that they are now in the last 6 months of their university lives and are going to become a doctor? and that they have family and a few close friends who will love them no matter what happens?

things might not be going as well as they were a few months back, fair enough, and jet lag is a bitch which makes me sometimes want to throw in the towel (i am glad to announce that i think i am finally no longer jet lagged!), and dysmenorrhoea is another bitch (had the worst dysmenorrhoea of my life early this morning - got woken up at 4 am and couldn't go back to sleep properly since) but hey, if i can ask "why me?" when shit happens, i sure as hell can ask the same question when great things happen as well :)

have also been grappling with trust issues - i have always thought that trust was a spectrum, with absolute trust and distrust at either end - how hard could it be, right?

wrong.

the friendships that leave an impact on my life come attached with the most bizarre and complicated dynamics that are the dreams of scriptwriters. i am currently toeing the very fine line that separates absolute trust from distrust. i think it's very interesting how having to choose between only two entities - trust/distrust (black/white) can be more confusing than having a spectrum of greys. i trust this person completely and absolutely by default - but am increasingly frequently pulled back by the small things that this person does, and the fact that this trust is probably not reciprocated.

then again, i suppose that you don't have to be trusted to trust; and similarly you don't have to be loved to love (because this is also somewhat related to everything).

haha i'm just going around in circles...

anyway many things have been going on, and i don't know what it is. maybe people think i don't know anything and that maybe when i don't say anything i do really look clueless and people seem to fall for that all the time. (maybe this is a problem - how clueless must i look for people to actually believe that i am? i think i'm a shit actress. HAHA) i don't know whether to feel insulted or to feel flattered. HAHA.

the winds are changing - it's time to gather what's left of my crew and head into the sunset.

(HAHA HOW'S THAT FOR A DRAMATIC ENDING TO A POST?)

blablabla

how is it conceivable that anybody would actually enjoy being a scut monkey...?

("anybody" being me, in this instance)

all i did today was make 3 trips to the xray department, make 3 phone calls, finish 1 discharge script, take 1 set of bloods and attend a lunchtime meeting.

i didn't even do anything remotely heroic -_-

going on call tomorrow, wish me luck!!!!!!!!

also - i think being exhausted has also bestowed upon me the power and ability to just speak my mind at people who cross the line. being around fys and regs and consultants who say things without the consideration of the feelings of other people also help i guess...

why

do we do the things we do?

is it out of habit?

is it out of a sense of misplaced courtesy and respect?

let's say somebody was reading a page of the book you were reading - you are sitting on a bus and this person is sitting on a raised seat behind you, so he/she is effectively reading your book over your shoulder - what would you do?

would you:

• be really annoyed and just close your book and do something else?
• not care and just continue reading?
• hold the page open a little longer while pretending to read and flip the page when you think your fellow reader has finished, even though you finished the pages quite some time ago?

the 'ideal' answer would of course be to not care and just continue reading, as you were...

... right?

salah

... and it seemed like i had waited all my life for this.

(just a little post before i go to sleep. hahahahaha.)

ahem.

You’re waiting for a train. A train that will take you far away. You can’t be sure where it will take you. But it doesn’t matter – because we’ll be together.

haha - oh the things i could say...

i regret slightly the fact that i'm a little too late to be in the thick of all the inception memes that were floating around when inception was the biggest thing to happen to civilisation...

marbles and candles

back in dundee!

not really happy about it... have never been homesick before but am missing my parents, my room, my car, the food and to a lesser extent the weather...


OH WELL. starting on a new block tomorrow, slightly worried, but eager to get off to a good start in the new year! also have a letter from the research ethics committee and an email from dr lord to tend to - not really looking forward to that. also have to remember to renew library books - loose ends from the year past.

haven't been entirely keen on human contact and socialising since i got back - am not ready for masks and acting deserving of the oscars yet - am curiously wanting to throw myself fully into my work and start becoming something of a workaholic (very hopefully) - but this has not met much success.

procrastination 42398339823473 - michelle 0.

-_-

i would've liked to review 2010 in retrospect but i am much too lazy to do so. i no longer remember when each year begins and ends, and judging by the amount of times i've moved/closed/re-opened multiple blogs in the recent past, i suspect there isn't much i'd like to remember. HAHA.

however, i would like to congratulate myself because i have since the beginning of 2011 read quite a lot, much more than i ever did by this time in 2011. books i have finished:

1. shades of grey by jasper fforde
2. nothern lights by phillip pullman
3. the subtle knife by phillip pullman

(yes am attempting to reread his dark materials! left off somewhere in the middle of the amber spyglass the last time i read it - am determined to finish the whole thing off! i remember thinking that i didn't really find the series interesting the last time, but was compelled to continue reading anyway. upon rereading the books this time, i actually found them really interesting! i have also discovered, to my relief and comfort, that i am actually still capable of reading at a decent speed! yay!)

anyway, i should probably do something more productive with my life now, have been watching youtube videos on how decorative candles, marbles, gummy and hard candy and stickers are made. you wouldn't believe the amount of work put into creating one really atas and pretty marble.

i am slightly amazed at how relatively cheap some things are based on how labour intensive the manufacturing process is.. i suppose mass production sorta answers for the costs then.

HAHA ok why am i trying to sound economically intellectual when in fact i am far from it -_- i am going to read a book now, g'bye!

of new beginnings.

hahaha i decided to exploit this day of new beginnings - i should've started more new projects today omg. ok nevermind any new project i start before i go to sleep shall be counted as being started on the 1st of january, 2011!

i probably shouldn't have started blogging again - i risk landing myself in hot soup and repeating the entire fiasco that led to me closing down this blog... but i still constantly feel the need to write and be heard (read) by everybody and still feel that i am a better waste of cyberspace than many other people so i am here to stake my claim again.

HAHAHA.

anyway i should probably think of some resolutions for the new year...

hmmmmm.

1. to read more
2. to be nicer
3. to bitch less
4. to get over certain people - which i am quite sure i will have to end up doing, no matter how i feel about this, come june... :/
5. to love more
6. to be affected less
7. to gain the ability and wisdom to differentiate those who deserve my time from those who don't
8. and above all, to finally love myself, absolutely and without any excuses.

ok now i'm going to have to refer to this entry periodically to remind myself about my resolutions lmao.

here's another random list of books i have finished in 2010: (i actually have a file called "books dec 2009 - 2010.rtf" on my desktop but there are only 2 books on it -_-)

1. small gods by terry pratchett
2. equal rites by terry pratchett
3. matchless by gregory maguire
4. the diaries of adrian mole by sue townsend
5. the girl who was beautiful on the inside by edward monkton
6. possible side effects by augusten burroughs

i am slightly ashamed to say that i finished books 3-6 in the span of.. er.. 3 days? HAHAHAHAH.

ok I WILL READ MORE THIS YEAR.

ok now i am just meandering. i should stop here and blog more next time when i have more substantial things to say.

happy 2011 everybody! i wish the very best for all who are reading!

(except you - for you i wish reality - of the harshest and most brutal kind)

(oops, i just broke a resolution. heheh.)