triumph

so i was checking my dundee mailbox randomly this evening...

and guess what i saw?

WOOHOO.

TAKE THAT STUPID ETHICS FORMS. 28 PAGES OF QUESTIONS AND BOXES TO FILL, MULTIPLE TRIPS TO AND FRO WARD 32 FOR SIGNATURES AND HOURS UPON HOURS OF STRESS AND FRUSTRATION

WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahahahahahahahaha.

ahem. ok good night people - it is time to move on with my life, thank you. :D

my greatest weakness

is not being in control of my emotions.

this changes today.

man's greatest weakness

is wanting the most the one thing that he will never be able to have.

the fantastic and amazing intricacies of histiocytic sarcoma

am going to pisa and florence for 5 days during my not-easter break! am kinda excited, i guess...

hahahaha. who am i kidding - i am excited! :)

i know i had something to say but i cannot for the life of me figure out what it was -_-

-

ok now i have to stop blogging because this window has been open for the better part of the past hour and it is very irritating when i minimise word and this window pops up instead of chrome with my papers -_-

CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME WHY PUBMED DOESN'T WORK ON FIREFOX 4.0 BETA 11? THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS!

ok gotta go bye!

edit:
now that that is done and over with - i have two things to announce:

1. i am horribly proud of myself for waking up after a nap from 7.30 pm to 9.30 pm - i would have just slept through to the morning under normal circumstances! i guess desperation is indeed very powerful!
2. I AM FINALLY DONE WITH THE CASE REPORT OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! i can LITERALLY HAVE MY LIFE BACK AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T HAVE TO WALK THE HALLWAYS WITH THIS DARK CLOUD OVER MY HEAD TELLING ME THAT I SUCK BECAUSE I AM SUCH A PROCRASTINATOR!!! ok sorry i forgot to turn the caps lock key off

WOOHOO

ok good night for real people :D

gah

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy do certain things not work when i kinda desperately need them to?!!?!??!?!

maybe i should take my laptop downstairs wtf.

how does one summon enthusiasm for a day of forced conversation with people one does not know, and for an entire day of being ignored?

neuro-onkologie

every so often i chance upon (okay, i'll admit that these episodes are more often than not deliberate HAHA) certain pictures and articles that fill me with so much hope and passion and happiness that it makes my life seem brand new.

i find it amazing how i can still be continued to be inspired by a place and people i said goodbye to more than 6 months ago.

i also find myself horribly lucky to be surrounded by people and opportunities that can help take me further - all i need to realise this is to just do my part.

:))))

is this what i want to be doing for the rest of my life?

oh yes. definitely.

messed up

i was thinking about life and i have a question -


who is more messed up,

the person who has so many issues it is a miracle how said person is able to function (somewhat questionably but arguably) normally in society

or

the person who loves this messed up person?

if there is one thing medical school (and life in general) has taught me, it is that there are no absolute cases. There is no metaphoric black and white in life, and there is an infinite spectrum of greys, a whole lotta what ifs and the only non-exception to every rule is that there is an exception to every rule.

i guess the answer to this question would depend on what kind of issues the person has - and whether those issues are non-issues that are actually inconsequential.

i have met many people with issues of all sorts and although it is undeniable that finding out about and getting to know these issues makes life and these people much more interesting than your average joe (but then there are always people who say that EVERYBODY has issues, heh)

but this is a box which i think i should have never tried to open.

omg i am a treasure trove of cliches today - i think this is how i sound when i am being defensive...

anyway enough is enough (again) - i think that i should pack up and leave before i get dragged into anything any deeper

ps. no - i don't love him.

where's the champagne

this is going to be a relatively short post - but it is going to be an important one!

I HAVE MANAGED TO FINISH AND SUBMIT MY STUPID INCIDENT REVIEW REFLECTIVE REPORT A FULL 9 DAYS BEFORE THE DEADLINE OMG.

how miraculous is this?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?

this is actually the first time i would have done something and handed it in more than a day before the deadline!!! MORE THAN A WEEK BEFORE THE DEADLINE, IN FACT! even more miraculously, i was informed of the deadline a mere two days ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

surely i deserve more than just a glass of champagne for one of the most heroic feats in my entire life?!?!?!?!?

(i know, my life sounds quite pathetic when i say something like that HAHAHAHAH)

-

anyway, on to other life-altering happenings...

1. i assisted in the insertion of a central venous catheter yesterday!!! the reg used the ultrasound and inserted the needle and guidewire, and i did the dilation and inserted the catheter and sutured it (omg i need to relearn how to tie a surgeon's knot - which i realised is just a fancy way of tying a normal knot -_-)!!! first time suturing anything to something living!!!!! but this was after me tearing my sterile gown while trying to wear sterile gloves properly -_-
2. i participated in a non-invasive ventilation (NIV) study day today - i thought it would be horribly boring but it wasn't! it was much better than expected! i think i can now give a short tutorial on the basics of CPAP and BIPAP! everything makes so much more sense now! (pearl: use CPAP for type 1 respiratory failure, BIPAP for type 2 respiratory failure!) also tried a CPAP facemask on - weird experience!
3. ahem. I WILL ALSO BE SPENDING THE FIRST 2 YEARS OF MY WORKING LIFE IN DUNDEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hope i get the rotation i want!!!!! (oncology, ITU, care of the elderly, GI medicine, surgery and GP - am only REALLY interested in oncology and ITU!!!)

ok i need to stop using exclamation marks. -_-

i also need to stop 'reflecting' here - need to save it for my portfolio. barf.

OK PEEPS. LATERZ Y'ALL :D

time out

too much of anything (and anyone) is a bad thing

i have realised that nobody can be interesting all the time, more so if they blog very frequently (ie daily - yes i am talking about myself)...

i gave myself a break from all the people in the world today (bar one - ironically the person i need to have a break from the most), and it was mostly good.

i should also start looking for things to like in this place, i don't know why i'm so insistent on not settling in properly - it's not like i haven't been sent to other hospitals which were equally foreign and did pretty okay...

1. they actually have special scrubs for medical students
2. the people here are nice... generally (i would literally almost kill for a scottish accent now, i can't really summon a fondness for the local accent)
3. my room in the accommodation is decent
4. the walk to the hospital can be quite enjoyable in the mornings (i know why they've been quite boring for the past few days, i forgot my ipod!!!! this also reminds me - i need new music!)
5. people don't expect me to know anything (HAHAHAHA ok i don't know how true this is actually -_-)

...

i guess it is also time i realised that my happiness is what is most important

(however, i have also realised that switching off all thoughts about myself and shifting the focus onto other people by taking an interest in their lives automatically makes me feel "normal" again)

(that's precisely it la right, i should just stop feeling sorry for myself and stop being such a self-centred and selfish narcissist)

(i have also realised that i should have by now developed an unusually high level of patience and tolerance for most people)

回锅肉

还不是因为你

bad things will never happen to bad people

because good people don't do bad things.

2222

witnessed my first cardiac arrest today...

i think it was slightly macabre how people were still smiling at each other around the scene as medical personnel fought to help tether whatever life the pale gentleman on the floor had left to his body.

i will not forget how his abdomen jerked paradoxically with each compression; how the nurse called "2 minutes!" periodically and the shock of seeing real cpr being performed.

(to be fair i just remembered that this was actually my second cardiac arrest, i saw my first during my a&e attachment last year, but it's different seeing it being performed in the ward with another patient sharing the same bay)

all that practice you hope you will never have to apply being the only chance feasible chance at life.

i also remember standing in the corridor struggling against crying in desperation and hopelessness.

haha - i know many people will say that i am being overly dramatic -

sorry for being human.

middlesbrough

have finally arrived in middlesbrough after a weekend in manchester and preston - with korean (<333) and chinese food and lots of monopoly deal!

horribly tired. not really ready for tomorrow (i cannot believe that i finished my last block literally 2 days ago, and i am now in a different country altogether! -_-), but i think that it will be good. it has to be. HAHA. :P

anyway - i think i'm going to crash now. am feeling strangely detached from the life i once knew

ya i know. "emoshit" as a certain somebody has taken to calling me recently -__-

thanks.

you are a habit.

(i think it's interesting to find out that i'm actually starting to think that the less i know about you the better - i don't know how i managed to handle everything related to you in the past... haha.)

balance

the past 4 weeks have been a rollercoaster (in more ways than one), and although the block ended somewhat anti-climactically, i am utterly drained and wiped out.

i have been enveloped in a frantic flurry of activity for the past few hours, juggling my attention between packing for a further 4 weeks in middlesbrough (whee?) and making some slightly overdue amendments to my research documents and struggling with and submitting forms online and printing out checklists and forms for my supervisor to sign tomorrow and whatnot...

(my goodness me, that sounded quite adult, eh? HAHAH i like feeling like an adult - sometimes. and it's true what they say, you'll never know what you're capable of until you're pushed into the deep end...)

hahaha one can never catch a break, can she?

the coming weekend will be the first real weekend i've had in... 4 weeks? (which isn't that bad, retrospectively, HAHA. welcome to the life of a final year medical student/ budding junior doctor, michelle lim. you better hang on to those weekends as tight as you can!)

right... sorry my brain's not in the right place. i suspect it hasn't been since the end of my last block (oh neuro-oncology how i miss thee.. sob) i think i should try to get some sleep now - hopefully some non-medical entries in the near future? heh heh heh.

ps. my next block is in intensive care in the james cook university hospital, and my supervisor just emailed me to tell me that she won't be there for the first 2 weeks of the block (er..... -_-) and she attached a rough schedule and suggested that i do an audit on handwashing in icu... haha, after (single-handedly, mind you!) handling all the crap IRAS has thrown at me and admittedly sometimes rather clumsily and gloriously crashing into obstacles they set up in my way my brain (and heart) laughs in sheer relief and joy at the thought of executing an AUDIT which REQUIRES NO ETHICS APPROVAL WHATSOEVER. OOYEAH.

pps. i have also been off facebook for the longest time ever (i don't remember how long - 1 week? 2 weeks? practically an eternity!) - i think deactivating your account makes returning to facebook all the less tempting because you ineffectively disappear from everything and people cannot do anything to your account or write on your wall or tag you in photos or comment of photos with you in them and therefore you technically have NO NEED whatsoever to prove your existence! or worry about how the world (of facebook) is functioning without you liking and commenting on stuff. (geddit? i was taking a jab at the narcissism and delusions of grandeur that so often plague the youth of today...) ok i obviously need sleep. now. gnite!

duckie

dreamt about you last night.

two to three times.

sigh.