#firstworldproblems

i hate that i have realised that:

1. ignorance is bliss
2. this is it. there is nothing else i can do. (i also sincerely believe that this is the moment practically all of my friends have been waiting for - bring out the champagne, guys! HAHA.)
3. i have been willingly deceiving myself
4. certain things will never change, and that i was stupid to believe otherwise
5. watching romcoms = paying hollywood hard-earned money to shovel bullshit down your eyes and brain
6. fairytale romances are a myth
7. so is 'true love'. i (metaphorically) spit on the notion.

ok i think im going to have to stop there before i push myself off the edge into an abyss of bitterness, resentment, disappointent, anger and self-loathing.

(... teetering.)

it seems somewhat a shame, innit, to just uproot yourself and leave after investing a significant part of your life in something you once so strongly believed in...?

is this why people hold on so tightly to the very things that eat them up inside slowly when it is obvious that they should just move on?

oh, the paralysing fear.

hello, old friend.

sigh

"... I would kill for somebody to be as nice to me, some people just don't know how to appreciate (niceness)..."

"but to know there's someone there and yet to turn that person away in an unpleasant manner is just not... Nice..."

well, it sure sucks that you're not him.

It never is enough

i will never be happy - because i will never be satisfied. there will always be something somebody could have done better, there will always be something that is just out of reach for me, and i will undoubtedly be a disappointment to everybody who has the misfortune of dealing with me.

am in one of my self-pitying moods again (as you can already tell) - the sound of the tapping of a keyboard is chipping at whatever's left of my sanity; the too-frequent smiles driving little daggers into my heart. i hate how these things have so much power over me - i literally had to leave before i went hysterical and started yelling and inflicting bodily harm on myself; the walls are too thin and would cave under my punches.

it's times like these when i reenter one of the darkest recesses of my psyche, the corner against which i actively fight a (losing) battle in hopes of never having to revisit it

a lone question, luminous against the suffocating darkness of this cavern

why can't he be me?

ignorance; (your) bliss

what they see is a snapshot of the moment, and they judge you.

what they don't see is things that have happened over the past 5 years. things are way more complicated that you'll ever care to fathom, dearie.

I would never treat him the way you think I am.

#20

what song reminds you of your youth?

stan by eminem featuring dido

this song played constantly on hitz.fm when i stayed up home alone waiting for my mom/dad to come home from work. i remember the warm, sticky nights, and me dreading my math homework, and how the radio was on because i was desperate for some noise

dido's haunting voice still brings up waves of (unpleasant) nostalgia in me, and the splash of stan's car crashing into the water (i used to mistake this for the sound of people jumping into the pool on the first floor of my condo - i never was comfortable with the idea of people swimming at night, being in swimming pools at night creeps the freak out of me, another reason why this song deeply unsettles me)

haha, i guess that speaks volumes about my youth in general, eh?

#19

what do you do when you love someone who doesn't love you back?

:) i suppose you can tell a lot about people by the answer they give to this question.

i think i would probably just let time take its course

however

i also suppose it depends on who the person we are talking about is

...

inbetweeners

when i decided on agreed to watching the inbetweeners, i didn't expect to leave the cinema feeling... sad.

anyhoo.

lots of things have happened since the 28th of august.

i attended to two patients just hours before they passed away (their deaths had nothing to do with me, obviously). i cannulated mr jn to give him some fluids and antibiotics, and i attempted to take arterial blood gas samples from mrs cm as she was desaturating and deteriorating.

mr jn was severely demented with a history of parkinsonism - he was a very lovely man. mrs cm was equally lovely, she was demented as well, and she did not make a single complaint as she was being stabbed repeatedly for blood gas samples - she just clung tighter to her soft toy rabbit, which was called james.

i have also seen two patients who i am extremely fond of, mr nk and mr nr, come back in with infected hips and knees. they were fine and were going home shortly after i left for the day.

i performed my first successful abg on a human, i performed my second borderline-emergency catheterisation on a patient

so... yeah.

work is amazing and it makes me do unbelievable things. for example, i now only use my laptop during the weekends because i can no longer be bothered to turn the thing on, and i no longer have the energy reserves to deal with operating sophisticated pieces of electronic devices. besides, i have a slight fear of being overwhelmed and overstimulated by the goings on in the universe...

oh god. i'm speaking like a 50 year old. however, this also means that i am now way more reliant on my phone and iPad, which means that i can't possibly be all that out of touch with technology, right...?

anyway, i am off to bed now, good night!

ps. Upon rereading this entry i have come to realise that i sound quite incoherent. i blame this on feeling sleepy and having to type a big part of this entry on an iPad - not the easiest thing to do in the world...