things i want to do

hang out in an aquarium and subsequently take pictures of fishes and jellyfish

stay on tumblr forever and and like (almost) every post

spend way too much time on failbook, memebase and icanhascheezburger

stay up the whole night reading a beautiful book...

but mostly hang out in an aquarium and take pictures of fishes and jellyfish

-

the night sighed. it was going to be a sad night.

all my words are gone

23 years and a week old, and i officially have lost the ability to think of anything to say.

you know - i think i should start being happier

(AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!)

this is very worrying - i don't normally suffer from writer's block.

-

am having random flashbacks of:

meeting up with people in the atrium and yelling at people (in a nice and friendly way, of course) from outside the pbl rooms, and selling things for random causes

how you almost told me the secret while we were preparing campaign paraphernalia during the src elections

how i felt the very moment i realised that you were more than just a friend - that slight sinking feeling and the brief dread when the words "oh shit. i really do like him." grew roots and settled comfortably in my brain. i didn't even mean to mean it when i was telling her, i just realised mid-sentence - it was during a diwali performance - and i knew that i was setting myself up for a shitload of trouble
(... and i couldn't have been more right. fml.)

smileys. rare smileys. the rarest smilies in the entire existence of mankind and all alien lifeforms.

turning up at tracy's practically every night

pseudo philosophical conversations in merv's room. merv playing spore. having to wake up early to go to csu on time.

feeling... guilty, but yet slightly excited at the prospect of "a new life" with the arrival of mr x (this is a different mr x) and thesocialexperiment

you saying that you'd pwn me at foosball (i had just started to get the hang of it), and me challenging you to a match but not actually meaning it, because i knew that this was the end and there was no point. not a day goes by without me wondering how you're doing.

-

i frequently tell myself that there is no way anybody could have possessed the ability to evoke such strong emotions in me, because i believe that i am no longer capable of feeling strongly for anybody at all anymore, but i also know that this is untrue, because at some point i decided to prophylactically make it a point to remind myself periodically that yes - he did make me feel like nobody could; i will deny this but i will be wrong. remember this.

and then i shrug and tell myself that i must be right.

and then i feel better. because i no longer feel that way.

-_- ok i need to go and sleep.

137

the magical number of books currently on my ipad i hope to (by some unbelievable miracle) finish sometime in the future...

#firstworldproblems

i hate that i have realised that:

1. ignorance is bliss
2. this is it. there is nothing else i can do. (i also sincerely believe that this is the moment practically all of my friends have been waiting for - bring out the champagne, guys! HAHA.)
3. i have been willingly deceiving myself
4. certain things will never change, and that i was stupid to believe otherwise
5. watching romcoms = paying hollywood hard-earned money to shovel bullshit down your eyes and brain
6. fairytale romances are a myth
7. so is 'true love'. i (metaphorically) spit on the notion.

ok i think im going to have to stop there before i push myself off the edge into an abyss of bitterness, resentment, disappointent, anger and self-loathing.

(... teetering.)

it seems somewhat a shame, innit, to just uproot yourself and leave after investing a significant part of your life in something you once so strongly believed in...?

is this why people hold on so tightly to the very things that eat them up inside slowly when it is obvious that they should just move on?

oh, the paralysing fear.

hello, old friend.

sigh

"... I would kill for somebody to be as nice to me, some people just don't know how to appreciate (niceness)..."

"but to know there's someone there and yet to turn that person away in an unpleasant manner is just not... Nice..."

well, it sure sucks that you're not him.

It never is enough

i will never be happy - because i will never be satisfied. there will always be something somebody could have done better, there will always be something that is just out of reach for me, and i will undoubtedly be a disappointment to everybody who has the misfortune of dealing with me.

am in one of my self-pitying moods again (as you can already tell) - the sound of the tapping of a keyboard is chipping at whatever's left of my sanity; the too-frequent smiles driving little daggers into my heart. i hate how these things have so much power over me - i literally had to leave before i went hysterical and started yelling and inflicting bodily harm on myself; the walls are too thin and would cave under my punches.

it's times like these when i reenter one of the darkest recesses of my psyche, the corner against which i actively fight a (losing) battle in hopes of never having to revisit it

a lone question, luminous against the suffocating darkness of this cavern

why can't he be me?