# 21

(aka 'rut')

how do you know when it's time to move on?

yeah, how do you know?

#20

what song reminds you of your youth?

stan by eminem featuring dido

this song played constantly on hitz.fm when i stayed up home alone waiting for my mom/dad to come home from work. i remember the warm, sticky nights, and me dreading my math homework, and how the radio was on because i was desperate for some noise

dido's haunting voice still brings up waves of (unpleasant) nostalgia in me, and the splash of stan's car crashing into the water (i used to mistake this for the sound of people jumping into the pool on the first floor of my condo - i never was comfortable with the idea of people swimming at night, being in swimming pools at night creeps the freak out of me, another reason why this song deeply unsettles me)

haha, i guess that speaks volumes about my youth in general, eh?

#19

what do you do when you love someone who doesn't love you back?

:) i suppose you can tell a lot about people by the answer they give to this question.

i think i would probably just let time take its course

however

i also suppose it depends on who the person we are talking about is

...

#18

who brings out the best in you? who brings out the worst in you?

different people bring out the best in me at different points in time

but one person constantly brings out the absolute worst in me - i end up being surprised and horrified at the thoughts and intentions that unearth themselves from the deepest recesses of my soul when i think about you. (i exaggerate - very slightly)

#17

what's the farthest away you've ever lived from your hometown where you grew up?

this is actually quite an interesting question because i've never ever actually grown up fully in a place. i was born in ipoh, malaysia and left for the capital, kuala lumpur when i was 10.

even after moving to kl, i never really ever stayed at home for an extended period of time - i grew up mostly in a boarding school and my piano teacher's house and student residences (my parents worked out of state/ overseas), so i never really had the privilege of feeling strongly attached to... home.

i guess this isn't exactly a bad thing because i've always managed to make myself comfortable wherever i was - i've never really felt homesick (unless when i'm feeling sorry for myself -_-, and i was 'sick' for the idea of home, rather than home itself)

anyway, to answer the question, the farthest away i've ever lived from ipoh was when i spent 6 weeks in baltimore, that was 17,780 km (or 11,047 miles) away. i would say that it wouldn't really count because i was only there for 6 weeks but i think that it actually does because i went over alone and had to fend for myself while i was there! HAHAH.

HOWEVER, for all the pedantic asses that so liberally litter the universe today, my next answer would be being 10748.5 km (or 6718 miles) from ipoh in dundee, scotland, where i have been now for the past 26 months. fair enough? haha.

honestly, i don't see the big deal about being 'far away' from home and having to be super 'independent' because your parents are literally more than 5000 miles away. you would be in the exact same situation if you were staying right at home with your parents two states away. ok maybe you wouldn't be so inconvenienced because they would be in the same country and time zone, but

i don't know lah.

sometimes i envy people who have a very strong sense of where home is, and what it should be.

#16

what do you like about a rainy day?

somehow rainy days are the only days during which i feel... safe and secure and not alone. i always feel that sunny days are 'too good to be true', and that there is always something (bad) lurking around the corner and waiting to happen.

rainy days have nothing to hide, more so if the rainy days actually bring a thunderstorm - the louder the better. maybe it's the pitter-patter of raindrops on windows that provides white noise that drowns out some of the voices and noise in my head - it feels like i have something else to listen to for a change, something else which does not annoy the heck outta me with whininess, or hypocrisy or deceit. i feel like my mind is allowed some peace because it has something else to focus on besides itself.

and oh yes... how could i ever forget the smell of fresh rain? ('petrichor' is the word, by the way)

the more the better, i say - bring on the rain! :)

#15

What do you like about the spring season?

Longer days

Sunshine!

Blue skies!

Cherry blossoms and daffodils :)

How everything is vibrant but not washed out like during summer

The temperature

Knowing that I survived winter and that this is the furthest that winter will ever be for the entire year! :D

#14

When did you decide to do what you currently do for a living?

when i was young, my dream jobs included being a firewoman, a policewoman and then a teacher.

i wish i had an inspiring moment-that-changed-my-life story behind why i eventually ended up in med school, but there isn't one

i guess i could never imagine myself doing anything else - i think it was luck (and genetics) that decided that i would grow up science-inclined

why do you want to become a doctor?

because i want to help people

but you could help people by doing other things, why medicine? (i think this is a stupid question. why must i justify the means through which i want to help people? it's as if wanting to help isn't a good enough reason for wanting to be a doctor. way to discourage people from joining the medical fraternity, jerks. and before anybody asks, no, i have thankfully never been asked this question during any med school interviews)

i am intrigued by the human body and the way it functions. i am very interested in seeing how the body can be affected by so many different diseases, and am amazed by how seemingly strong and fragile it can be at the same time. i like figuring how things work, especially living things - i have always been very keen when it came to biology, which i found slightly disappointing because the focus was on animals and plants. i am interested in doing medicine because i think it can help me learn more about myself - i have been inspired by doctors who constantly stretch the boundaries of reality and make the impossible possible on a daily basis. furthermore, i also like talking to people and i love intellectual challenges and i know that i will never end up learning everything there is to know about medicine, but i am going to try my best to learn as much as i can. i believe that i can make a difference, and i choose to do it via medicine.

(a horribly cringe-worthy answer - am trying to recall what i would have said 5 years ago, LOL)

(in retrospect, i am quite amazed that i managed to come up with that spiel, haha it's all the reflecting i tell you!)

(wtf my laptop suddenly turned itself off due to overheating and i thought all of this was gone... blogger rocks much more than i give it credit for!)

haha on the other hand, i think i should go and sleep now...

#13

What do you want most for your children?

(assuming that i ever have children, HAHA)

i want them to have the ability to love without reservation, and to be able to continue loving no matter how many times they get hurt

i want them to never, ever end up being jaded, and to always look at life with wonder and amazement

i want them to know that they are always loved, no matter what, and that i will always be there for them - no matter how much i nag at them. HAHAHA. and that they amount to something and they should never, ever feel the need to apologise for being themselves

i also want them to know that the people who put them down are probably secretly the most insecure asses they will ever meet - and to not be affected by the crap these people say

i want them to be curious - to be painfully curious. ask me anything, ask me awkward questions! i'll handle them - i'm going to be a doctor, nothing is going to be embarrassing. HAHAHA.

hmm - i am slightly divided on drama (whether to steer clear of it or to sod all and get stuck elbows deep in the shit life throws in your face and to be constantly amused at how everything that can go wrong does go wrong when it comes to you) - if these people are going to be my children and have inherited half of my genetic code i think they'd be more than likely to be embroiled in some major scandals sometime in their lives HAHA.

i want them to never judge, and to never, ever, ever stereotype people or have any prejudices

i want them to learn humility, and to please NEVER become empty vessels.

i also want them to be open to new ideas and other people's opinions

i want them to learn the power of silence, and listening. i want them to never shut up. i want them to be free to speak their mind (within reason, and after serious thought and without any vulgarities *lolol ahem*) and to not be cowed into silence by lesser minds.

hahahaha that's a pretty long list -_-

but if i had to sum it all in one sentence -

i'd want my children to strive to be the best person that they can be, despite me.

:)

#12

If you left this life tomorrow, how would you be remembered?

She wasn't able to shut up and had a questionable sense of humour and an equally weird (?obnoxious) laugh to boot.

"Smart", "intelligent", "took some really good photos" (all this i do not necessarily agree with)

Grammar nazi

Obsessive, borderline pathologically paranoid

Oh, she's the one that had crazy dreams of wanting to be a neuro-oncologist

You cannot trust her with anything, she'd tell everybody what you told her

You could trust her with all your secrets, she wouldn't tell a soul

She had her heart in the right place... Generally.

Frequently extreme, always emotive


Aiyo, yala, she very emo wan lor, you don't know ah?

She was always there...

... and now she's not.

#11

how apt.

What would you do if you were certain that nobody would judge your choices?

I would Love. With all the recklessness and abandon and passion that I could ever muster.


I would be Brave.


I would be everything that I am Not, but should Be.


-

I am terribly disappointed by how weak I really am.

#10

at the risk of having anybody think that this blog has been taken over by spambots... NO, IT HASN'T. THIS IS JUST A PHASE IN MY LIFE. don't hate. HAHA.

If you lost everything tomorrow, whose arms would you want to run into? Does that person know how much they mean to you?

My dad's. And I don't think so...

#9

If you had all the money in the world but still had to have some kind of job, what would you choose to do?

I'd be a librarian.

This answer surprises me, and worries me a little.

#8

Share a dirty little secret about yourself (or someone else).

she did love me, and this is true.

#7

this is a very interesting question because i have always had the answer ready

What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask? 

The one (extraordinarily and superbly normal) thing that never fails to make me tear out of happiness.

#6

Turn to an entry in your journal or diary from a year or more ago.  What has changed and what has stayed the same since then?


this entry was originally a long spiel with abstracts from entries written in april, starting in the year 2005. i subsequently decided against it because that would somewhat defeat the entire point of the question.

25th march 2010:

it’s been a horribly long night of black-belted insects who wrote me pieces of her heart crumpled into balls thrown across hushed hallways into darkened rooms and cheating astronauts who left us all none the wiser and tears under the duvet, buffered by the discussion of the diagnosis of pregnancy and the significance of serial measurements of the hormone hCG.
and i realise once again, what i have realised before, on many prior nights not unlike tonight (but with different casts of demons) -
that you are simply not worth any of this.
the sound of a closed door is the sound of my breaking (broken?) heart…
but enough melodrama. 698 words to go…
and then another 12000 more.
may the powers that be bless my soul.
amen.
(no – seriously. -_-)

black-belted insects and astronauts have even since then been things of the past - i sometimes catch myself being amazed at the emotions they used to conjure in me - as evidenced by snippets of writings i occasionally stumble across.

(i am struggling with expressing myself - i should stop talking to x)

i can never believe how strongly i felt for certain people; i can no longer believe that i strongly feel for anybody.

#5

let's make it a round number with another obvious question and answer

are you holding on to something that you need to let go of?

surprisingly, i would have thought that the answer to this would be yes, as it has been for the past 4 and a half years

however, somewhere in between the hills of piazzale michelangelo and the understanding i have found in x, i seem to have found it in me to let it go.

it's hard, sometimes, because i have this huge gaping void to fill - but the amount of heartbreak required to refill that gap isn't worth it anymore.

so at the moment, no, i am not holding on to something that i need to let go of. :)

ps. my english is deteriorating. bleep.

#4

haha just for the heck of it, i thought i'd get the 'generic' ones out of the way...

who do you trust and why?

generally, i trust the friends i haven't made yet - because i no longer trust the ones i have.

more specifically - i trust x, because he trusts me. :)

#3

how many of your friends would you trust with your life?

i will admit that this is slightly unfair as i am supposed to be answering questions i don't really know the answer to yet and therefore be forced to think.

there is only person (unrelated to me by blood) i would have trusted my life with - i had a think about this a few years back - but unfortunately this is no longer the case.

the answer to this question is - there is nobody i would trust my life with.

sad, because a very big majority of my friends are literally soon to be doctors, people the rest of the world would be trusting their lives with, and because these are literally the people who will (eventually) know best how to save a life. literally.

and to think the one person i would have trusted my life with has had nothing to do with medicine whatsoever.

#2

what three questions do you wish you knew the answers to?

1. how will i die?
2. will i be able to be passionate about and love neuro-oncology for the rest of my life?
3. am i being me?