it's time to start thinking about where i'm heading after f2. i'm not going to be staying in tayside. not a chance in hell. hopefully not in the bloody uk as well, it can be a right hellhole here.

magic

very few things are more magical than the act of putting pen to paper

it's way more cathartic than typing words on keyboards

hello written word, i'm back. :)

(thank god - i won't need to sound so pretentious anymore, lol)

peace

finally - a glimpse of perfect bliss.

it's gloomy outside (none of that inyourface sunshine crap for me, thanks), i have my blinds drawn, slow dancing in a burning room playing on 8tracks, and a cup of chocolate flakes tea from teapigs. to top it all off, i have work to go to in more than an hour!

(i wasn't being sarcastic - i foresee myself getting bored of sitting in my room and drinking tea very soon HAHA)

anyway - one day closer to going home! yay!

:)

(maybe it's good in a way that i don't really like my current job - i knew i was always a medic at heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the smallest things that go right make my day)

rantings

slightly more than a week into my new job - general surgery at ninewells.

have been teetering on the edge of being overwhelmed and being able to find my bearings and continue doing my thing. ninewells can be very intimidating and daunting; most of the time it feels like this exclusive club to which i have missed the membership application deadline - it feels like i will never fully belong here.

do i miss perth? yes i do. i miss being comfortable and knowing exactly what to do and who to talk to to get things done. i miss being able to navigate the hospital confidently without getting lost, i miss the h@n team and support workers, i miss some nurses. i was going through my night shifts and sometime during my second or third night, i realised that i started to feel that i knew what was going on, and certain things started to click. punching numbers into the pod delivery system is now more natural (although i still have to double check the numbers to make sure i don't send a bts sample to biochem by mistake)... having to bleep 4073 instead of 5106 for xrays and 4027 instead of 5122 for urgent bloods. not having to dial 13867 after requesting every xray.

part of me is somehow worried that i will forget everything about pri. 13863, 13643, 13229, 13225... fuck, i've already forgotten the number for cardiology.

but what does it matter?

5219, 5182, 5203, 5127

maybe i'm just worried that i'll forget everything about the one place i grew up (as a doctor) in. haha. actually honestly i think that i'm just being overemotional -_-

anyway.

have noticed a few things during my night shifts. kindness goes a long way, so do smiles. no matter how grumpy or unhappy patients are, few do not yield to a soothing voice and sincere apologies for waking them up and a get well soon wish.

have seen a few IVDUs coming in with accidental intra-arterial injections, have personally dealt with one. what i hope i will never forget is how he prompty dissolved into sobs and tears after one of the registrars just said something like 'i don't know what is going to happen to your arm, you might end up losing it'. i know how my reg felt, i felt the same thing when he first came in (it's your own fault this happened, you will just have to deal with the consequences that follow), but the more i dealt with him the more i felt sorry for him and i was slightly irked by how he was just told that he might lose a limb

we're all humans with our own shit to deal with.

i have also learned that i perform best when i am under stress. interesting.

i've always been secretly concerned about not absolutely loving my life/job constantly. i am more concerned about the (seemingly) frequent thoughts i have about just quitting medicine... and then, doing something else.... like what? i don't know. i cannot imagine myself doing anything else besides medicine.

i often try to entertain thoughts of what i would be doing if i had the total freedom to choose. (not that i didn't, not really)

i don't know what i want to do with my life, eventually. do i stay? what does 'staying' mean? do i go? where do i go? what do i want to spend the rest of my life doing? how will i get to where i want to go? which brings me back to ... where do i want to go?

life has become more of what i should do rather than what i want to do. and it's during days like these when i get so sick of everything and just want to give everything up and just cease to exist -_-

(bearing in mind that i have just finished 7 night shifts, and have had less than 2 hours of sleep in the past 31 hours)

certain things make me sad. looking through my retrospectoscope makes me sad.

ok i'm just going to go offline and feel sorry for myself

it's fine.

i will be fine in the morning.

#foreveralone

the tears of frustration and anger earlier this evening were real.

and as i watched perseus fight ares on the screen, i realised that things will never be alright.

it doesn't matter. i'll get over this - i'd rather do my own thing than subject myself to the pseudo pleasure of your company.

Location:Commercial St,Dundee,United Kingdom